How To Effectively Give Miley Cyrus a Roundhouse Kick:

Miley Ray Cyrus, also known as Hannah Montana, is loved far and wide for her singing and acting skills.  Her concert tickets sell out merely minutes after being available to the public.  Millions of girls and boys tune in to watch her show, regardless if a new episode is airing or if they’ve seen the one on twenty times.  The eyes of the world are upon her.  She has millions in her pocket.

And I can’t stand her.

Actually, I’m not alone.  Most of the people I talk to above the age of thirteen do not buy into the Miley Cyrus obsession.  They think she’s overrated.  Her singing is off-key and her acting sub-par.  That she is brainwashing all the gullible little children.  I have two words to say to that.

HECK.  YES.

So, to take care of this menace (with just a little aid from the Mafia), I have devised a plan.  With these simple steps, you yourself can end this girl’s reign.

STEP 1:  LEARN KARATE
Prior experience is a major plus.  You’ve got to learn a lot quickly if you’re to put the moves on her.  And not those kind of ‘moves’ either.  Learn all the hand-chops and kicky thingies you need to.  And all those weird hand movements is cool too.  So cram five or more years of any variation of karate within the span of a week or two.  If you can, man, you’re good!

I would do this myself, but my parents weren’t kind enough to take me to the local karate classes.  Good-for-nothing….So you’ll have to pick up where I failed.

Got it down?  OK, time to move on!

STEP 2: GET CONNECTIONS WITH THE MAFIA

You’ve got some skills.  Impress them with your karate moves, and you’re soooo in.  They’re going to help you once the deed is done.  And I’m not talking about that ‘deed’ either.  Trust me.  You’ll need protection after a stunt like this.

OK, NEXT!

STEP 3:  JOIN A HANNAH MONTANA FAN CLUB

Go all out.  Yes, you may have to humiliate yourself, but it will be worth it to gain trust and rise to power.  Dress in girly clothes (guys, not so much for you), listen to her music whenever one of her true fans is nearby, keep a few of her tapes on hand.  Whatever you have to do.  Prove your undying ‘loyalty’ to Hannah Montana.

You’ll soon climb up the ladder.  You may even find yourself in a lofty position.  Don’t get cocky.  Don’t trust anyone.  Stick to the plan.

Got it memorized?  Next step.

STEP 4:  FIND OUT WHEN THE NEAREST HANNAH MONTANA CONCERT IS

This should be pretty simple.  They advertise that kind of crap like crazy.  With your ties to the fan club, you should be able to get tickets easy.   If anyone gives you trouble, alert your buddies from step 2.

STEP 5: EAT A HAM AND CHEESE SANDWICH
Why not?  You’ve worked hard.  Take a break.  I recommend drinking Dr. Pepper with it.  Awesome drink, let me tell you.  Or, if you want to get really hyper, Vault.  But don’t take too long to do this.

STEP 6:  BRUSH YOUR TEETH

Well, duh!  You just ate.  Fight that plaque!  Mouth wash optional.  Unless you have bad breath like my sister, then that’s a DEFINITE…

STEP 7:  FIND SOME WAY TO GET A BACKSTAGE PASS FOR THE CONCERT

The higher you are in the previously mentioned the fan club, the more likely you’ll get one of these.  If you can’t get a break, consult your other buddies or try all of those stupid radio call-ins.  There are ways to rig those, I tell you.  But don’t give up.  That’s the main thing.  The goal is in sight!

Got the goods?  Time to go one higher!

STEP 8:  MEMORIZE ALL THE ROOMS AND ESCAPE ROUTES IN THE ARENA THE CONCERT’S AT

This will come in handy.  Very handy.  Make sure you know these like the back of your hand, or there will be trouble.

STEP 9:  GO TO THE CONCERT

Go on the right day, obviously.  Early.  Wear all the horrible ‘I love Miley forever!’ merchandise you can get your hands on.  Maybe even wear a scary wig and bring a sign.  Whatever you must to show that you are her #1 fan ever.  The more outrageous the better.

You’re so close!  Keep going!

STEP 10: GO BACKSTAGE AND MEET HER

After the concert, go see Miley and at first act like her blinding presence is too great for you to comprehend.  Grovel.  Kiss up like your life depends on it.  Lay it on as thick as peanut butter.

Wait until you’re all alone with her.  The chances of this happening are slim, but if you can get one of your ‘pals’ to cause a temporary distraction, that’d be great.  

Now…the final moment….

STEP 11: ROUNDHOUSE KICK, AHOY!

Put your karate skills into action.  One simple in-your-face roundhouse kick is all it takes.  Watch her go flying.  Might want to have a camera on you, ‘cuz that is DEFINITELY a Kodak moment.

STEP 12: RUN, MAN, RUN

Get your rear in gear and leave the coliseum (you might want to deface the room or steal something of hers before you do.  Leave your mark and all).  A getaway car would be excellent.  You can breathe easily knowing that your goal has been a success.  To fully rub it in, follow the last few steps.

STEP 13:  QUIT THE FAN CLUB

Make sure they realize that they’ve been had.  Write a really nasty/awesome letter, shoot a video of yourself taunting, whatever.  Just make sure they know that you so totally punk’d them.

STEP 14:  SEND OUT THANK-YOU NOTES

Tell your mafia buddies how much you appreciate their help.  Continue to rub it in with your former fan club.  Send an extra-special one to Miley thanking her for the opportunity.  Send it on some nice stationery.  Like with hearts and junk.

STEP 15:  DODGE THE MEDIA

You’re probably going to get some unwanted publicity about this.  Phone calls.  Visits by strangers.  Perhaps even some death notes.  Be strong!  It’ll die down pretty quickly.  Just remember:  you are stronger.  You have not succumbed to the Miley/Hannah obsession.  Bravo.

When that’s done, you may proceed to the last step.

STEP 16: EAT SOME CELEBRATORY CHOCOLATE

Congratulations, you have bruised the ego of the mighty Miley (you can take the bruise thing literally too).  Eat as much chocolate as  you want.  Just make sure to brush thoroughly afterwards.  And keep up with your karate.  And stay close buds with your mafia buddies.

Mission: success!