She’s supposed to be an amazing cook.  She’s rich.  Famous.  Has several shows-including a talk show.  And she is, by far, the most annoyingly happy person I know.

Rachael Ray, nothing personal, but I can’t abide to watch your show.  If I hear ‘yummo’ or ‘fantabulous’ one more time, I’ll scream.  And those darn abbreviations-EVOO-ugh.  I’ll stick all the EVOO I can get my hands on up your….

So let’s cut to the chase, shall we?  You’re annoying.  Talented, but annoying.  And when comparing you with me, it’s obvious that I-actually, a lot of other normal people too-are cooler than you.  Without being all fake-ish happy and peppy.  And maybe we don’t know how to cook all that creative stuff.  But I, for one, am happy to eat plain ol’ cold cereal.  Pass me the Fruit Loops.

Rachael Ray, to end your long career as the scarily excited cook, we will send you off with quite the farewell.  Yes, only the best.  How good is THAT?

And you-yeah YOU-follow these steps and HELP ME!

STEP 1:  CREATE SOME SAPPY-SOUNDING ORGANIZATION

Get your friends in on it, why not?  Make it good.  Like the ‘Chihuahua Save and Snuggle Company’ or  ‘Kids for a Meany-Free World’.  Something Rachael Ray would totally support.  Nothing serious, just downright sappy.

Print official club cards for the members.  Get jackets-always cool!  (I mean, how often do you get to say “Join the club-we’ve got jackets!” and mean it?!)  Trucker hats with pinwheels on top that display the name.  Anything like that.  Once your organization is firmly established, move on.

STEP 2: INVITE RACHAEL RAY TO SPEAK AT A CLUB MEETING

Send a letter bragging about your club and how much it’s done for the community and so on and so forth.   Exaggerate.  A lot.  Have your English teacher correct it (trust me, they go for stuff like that).  Wait for a response.   If you must, send several invites over a period of time until she gives the OK, date, and time she is coming.

STEP 3: GATHER SUPPLIES

Better get a head start on this.  You’ll need rope, dynamite, several buttloads of car parts, bunnies, lab equipment, and one mad scientist.

How do you get this stuff?  I have no idea.  But if you get a hold of a mad scientist, tell me.  I’ve got some stuff I need to take care of…

STEP 4: LET IT ‘COME TOGETHER’

Allow the mad scientist dude to take his own sweet time.  Just give him these general instructions.  “Make me a big, kick-butt rocket out of this old scrap metal, add dynamite to it, and inject all these bunnies with some kind of weird formula to make them go crazy-mad.  Oh, and do it all before I get all old and wrinkly like you.”

Simple, right?

When he does this, reward him some bottles of bubbles.  Hey, they’re fun.  I’m sure he’ll get a hoot and a holler out of them.

Next!

STEP 5:  WAIT FOR IT…

You’ll probably have time to kill before she arrives.  If you do, find some amusement through these ways…

-throw random surprise parties for your buddies (when they’re in the shower, on the toilet, or at 3 AM) or even for yourself.  
-go to Wal-mart dressed as the Phantom of the Opera.  In the middle of the bread isle, burst into singing ‘Past the Point of No Return’
-see how many marshmallows you can stick up your nose.
-have fun with the two m’s (metal and microwaves).
-mountain climb a sidewalk.
-learn how to sing It’s a Small World in Portuguese.
-have staring contests with your stuffed animals.
-learn how to play DDR with only your hands.

You get the idea.

STEP 6: ROLL OUT THE WELCOME WAGON

On the day she comes, conceal the rocket and set out tons of lawn chairs.  Invite all your friends and family, have them all wear the club jackets.  As president, you should give some really long and drawn out speech saying how awesome Rachael Ray is and how amazing and fantabulous she is, etc. etc.   Then tell her to close her eyes, ‘cuz you’ve got a special surprise for her!  

When she does, have you and some specially chosen people (preferably with monstrous muscle-guns) carry her and deposit her inside the rocket.  Dump in the killer rabbits (just so she doesn‘t attempt to escape).  Light the dynamite.  And make a wish, honey.

STEP 7:  CELEBRATE

If all goes well, Ms. Ray will be halfway to Jupiter in a matter of minutes.  And the world will be a much less scary-happy place.  Then you can go back to the stuff in step 5, or concentrate on eliminating some other annoying person…

You might want to disband the fake organization.  But, of course, you can keep the jackets.

And pass me the Fruit Loop box while you’re at it.